I dont even know anymore

Life just completely confuses me sometimes. So i met this new boy and his name is Ken. He is basically the most adorable thing in the whole entire world..im not gonna lie. He is such an amazing boyfriend and i feel very loved by him...unfortunately that completely scares me...i am so afraid to fall and be hurt badly again and it has happened to me SO many times. ive been played, cheated on and all sorts of other things. im really praying that this goes well because ken makes me happy and sometimes that is a really hard task. I know this all sounds stupid i mean what most people think is jeez you are just about to be sixteen, chill the heck out.

well you have a point there but i need someone like ken in my life because of a lot of things that are going on that a girl my age cant always handle by herself....


im scared....but i want this so badly. i guess ill just wait and see how it turns out

Bonfire and just thoughts

So yesterday I went to one of my closest frineds house for a bonfire. It was a blast because i havent seen her in forever. There was a hot tub and chips and soda and some really awesome people who were totally cool. I made a new friend named Nikki and we have so much in common. we are both SUPER ticklish and she acts the same way i do a lot lol. I was so happy for a little bit. then the sadness took over again. i feel very lonely sometimes and it hurts a lot. especially when you see all these happy people that surround you. things are just so blahhhhhhh. :/ i wish that sometimes i could change the things that ive done wrong. but then i remember that its the past and thats the way its going to stay.


jon i miss you more than words can explain. come back to us soon

School and Boys

So school has once more started up again, how lovely....

Actually i love school, almost everything about it BUT i don't like the fact that i have to get up early in the morning sometimes. That seriously sucks because i seriously hate getting up early. It is obviously NOT on my top list of things to do. I am in pretty hard classes but i love them and its great (: I'm in an AP class and then a couple of honors ones. its great, my teachers are great, my classmates are great, and its all just a bundle of joy.

So i like this guy and thankfully to me he likes me back!! Its great (: im so happy. he makes happy and today we fought over his sunglasses lol (: it was cute. he had his arms around me and he made me feel special (: i love it. its totally fabulous (:

well peace out for now...tell more later

Questions..

So i find out different things about me each day and every single thing i find out surprises me in a new way...

I finally got out of denial about being bi-sexual and i am completely okay with it, i love it too. the only bad ting about all of this is that i have a crush on my friend and i wont do anything about it becuase i cant ruin that friendship AND i have a bf.....

sometimes i cant understand why i am with my bf, we have only been together for a little bit but i get so easily annoyed. its easy being with him when we are in person but over the phone its a lot harder....

Dreams

You ever have a dream that you wish beyond all thought and reason would come true? i know i do.....

So i thought that dream was going to come true, i auditioned for american idol and everyone i know and even people i don't had the utmost of confidence in me....i on the other hand was worried and didn't believe it could happen. i didn't get any sleep the night before and i spent my WHOLE day in an arena in nashville waiting for my chance to audition.

After waiting all day all i wanted to hear was you're through to the next round just to make everyone smile AND to prove myself wrong, but i heard the opposite. so i spent my whole day with a migraine and ill just to hear i wasn't good enough.

That won't stop me though, singing is a passion and i won't stop doing it just because some random people say that i'm not what they are looking for and making me feel like i'm not good enough. Its okay to have a dream that may never come true but the fact that you took the time to have that dream makes it real in its own way.

Thinking

So lately i've been doing seemingly better, but there are still the problems, i feel very sick all the time and it bothers me. I'm thinking about staying here with my father for a year just to get away from everything that hurts me in my life. I wish that it would all disappear and that i could be happy and not depressed. Its not fun being depressed at all and it brings you down a lot. I wish something could save me....

Days

So today was not the highlight of my life, it was a lowlight.
I got into it with my mom, she is sick and i called to see how she was doing but it turned into a really escalated fight. I'm not the best of children and i have made some very recent mistakes but i thought that she had moved past that......apparently not. We screamed and i got off the phone in tears. She makes me feel like i'm completely useless and i hate it. I just want to escape it all and when i realize i can't it only seems to make things worse...i feel more alone than i ever have...even when i'm in a sea of people
I'm alone

Confusions

I never actually know what is going on anymore, what is truth and what is fiction. Life itself is a long winding path of endless confusions. Heartaches, choices, lies, truths, just about everything you can think of is what you will encounter. Some think that the best way to avoid all of this is to go through life acting as if it doesn't even exist. That tactic doesn't actually work, you need to acknowledge that something exists in order to fix it. A nice way to escape it all is to read, to turn to a world that can be both fiction and reality all wrapped into one. Sometimes the stories can help you on your road and tell you what to do in certain situations. I know that books have certainly helped me. Whether you believe them or not is inconsequential, but its the fact that you take time to try that matters.